You are not to blame - you didn't ask for this!
Even though your husband’s acting out hurts you deeply, it’s important to know that nothing you did caused him to do it. You couldn’t have stopped it and you definitely can’t cure or control it. It’s entirely on his shoulders.
Compulsive sexual behaviour often starts in adolescence and your husband was likely doing secret sexual behaviour long before he met you. There’s nothing you can do to stop an unrecovered partner from seeking their “drug.”
Instead, focus on your feelings, self-care, safety, and security and not look to your husband for instant relief. His secret fidelity violations landed you here, so it’s not likely he can do anything of real value to help you at this point.
It is very difficult to detach and turn your attention away from the person you love the most, who also hurt you the most, but this is the fastest path to healing and empowerment.
DO NOT ISOLATE – Betrayed partners often tend to isolate and withdraw. For those dealing with betrayal, this can feel even worse because “who really understands this?” Well meaning friends and family can sometimes offer their advice, causing you more confusion and pain as they try to tell you what they would do, instead of listening with empathy. You’ve probably already heard: “If it was me, he’d be kicked to the kerb”! If only it was that simple…..
It is recommended you connect with safe people, as healing happens within a community. Our brains need to process our wounds and rediscover who we are within the context of our relationships. Find support groups for betrayal trauma partner recovery. Increase your knowledge with resources and support from others who have gone through it themselves.
Setting new boundaries around what you will and won’t tolerate from your partner, whether they are in recovery or not, can empower you and create a sense of safety. Setting boundaries with consequences for unwanted behaviour from your husband will help you find stable ground for deciding your next steps.
