Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where my responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. Knowing what is mine and what is not mine, gives me freedom.
Boundaries communicate what is okay and what is not okay in your relationship. They are never meant to control anyone but yourself and aim to protect you from unnecessary hurt, pain and anxiety.
Boundaries outline what YOU will do, in response to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable in your relationship. It then gives your partner the choice to change their behaviour. Your boundaries and your partner’s response to them, will give you important information about whether or not your relationship can be salvaged.
Boundaries are not solid walls and should be thought of more like a fence with a gate. The fence keeps out what you don’t want and only you will have the key to the gate to let in what you do want.
Boundaries for the betrayed ARE:
Safety measures, an expression of empowerment, tools to help create clarity and stability, a place to draw a line between what’s yours and what’s not, your values in action, flexible and strong, connecting.
They are NOT:
Punishments to another, a way to control someone or something, meant to add stress and chaos, a method to push people away, a list of “shoulds” and “should nots”, rigid and brittle, divisive.
It is normal to feel stuck when trying to determine firm, fixed boundaries. To remove the pressure, it’s often easier to identify temporary boundaries instead. Temporary boundaries allow you to try a boundary to see if it works for you. These trial-and-error steps help you learn something about yourself to improve the boundary in the future.
Setting and enforcing boundaries is hard, more so for betrayed partners who are still reeling from the pain and hurt of discovery and working towards disclosure. You feel voiceless and experience huge emotions. Working with a counsellor can definitely help when it comes to forming and implementing boundaries and knowing when the boundary is ready to be removed or changed.
Email Madonna here.
I work with women across Australia and internationally who want to heal after discovering the deceptive behaviour of their partner, such as infidelity, cheating, porn addiction sex addiction, sexual compulsivity or remance scams.
Together, we can find safety, restore self-trust and create a new story of worth and hope.
