I’ve been sitting with the idea of shame. Not just the usual kind that bubbles up when you say something awkward in a group, or mess something up at work, but that deep shame inside you. The kind that sits quietly and tells you that you’re not enough. That something is wrong with you.

I’ve been reading The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays, and it’s really hit home. She talks about something called “attachment shame.” It’s the kind of shame that shows up when the person you love the most, hurts you in the worst possible way. When the one person who’s supposed to be your safe place ends up being the one who wounds you. It’s confusing. And honestly, it’s brutal.

I remember a time when I was stuck in that exact place. My relationship was crumbling because of betrayal. I still wanted connection -desperately. But I also felt disgusted with myself for wanting it. I felt weak. Like I should know better. I was ashamed for staying. Ashamed for needing them. Ashamed for still loving someone who caused me so much pain. It’s a hard thing to admit, even now.

Mays talks about this as a kind of bind. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you stay, you feel pathetic. If you leave, you feel like a failure. She calls it “The Betrayal Bind” because there’s no clear, shame-free path through it. It’s the shame that keeps you frozen. That whisper in your ear saying: “You should’ve known.” “You’re not lovable.” “It’s your fault.”

What stood out to me the most in her book was this idea that shame comes in waves – not just after betrayal, but during any attempts to reconnect. Like when things start to feel okay again, shame creeps in and says, “You’re being naïve.” “You’re letting them off too easy.” Even moments of hope can feel shameful when you’ve been hurt.

I’m trying to be kinder to myself about it all. I see now that the shame didn’t belong to me. It came from the betrayal – but somehow made a home inside of me. Mays says this is normal. That it happens when our attachment needs (which are healthy and human) collide with betrayal trauma. Our need to connect doesn’t go away just because we’ve been hurt. And yet we feel like it should. That’s where the shame creeps in.

I’ve been working on self-compassion. Trying to speak to myself the way I would speak to a friend. It’s not easy. Some days are better than others. I still catch myself thinking I “should be over it by now.” But the truth is healing doesn’t follow a schedule. And shame can’t just be reasoned away – it needs to be understood and held gently.

I’m grateful for this book. It’s made me feel less alone in something that’s been so isolating. And it’s helping me reframe my story – not as one of failure, but as one of survival. One of deep love, deep wounds, and the slow work of healing.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too much” for needing someone or “not enough” because someone left, I highly recommend this book. It’s gentle and real and wise.

Available on Amazon: https://amzn.asia/d/2ozKDlx

or free on Spotify Premium as an audiobook: http://The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Has Hurt You the Worst | Audiobook on Spotify