What is Betrayal Trauma?

"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies" - Anonymous
Betrayal trauma is what we feel when our husband, who we depend on for support and safety, shows deceptive and hurtful behaviours. Betrayal damages our sense of safe attachment to our husband, who we look to for safety and protection from harm. Instead, our partner is causing us hurt, harm, and fear.
Feeling confused, off-balance, and unsure of what’s real is common among the partners of those with sexual addiction or problematic sexual behaviour. Deception, emotional and sexual betrayal, including pornography use, is deeply wounding. A person who wounds you is abusing you. Repeated harmful behaviours after being asked to stop is emotional abuse. Betrayal and deception are disempowering because they rob you of informed consent to fully participate in the relationship.
Addicts often become masters of deception and manipulation to protect their addiction and avoid responsibility. They instinctively learn to make you doubt your sanity or perception of reality, a tactic known as gaslighting which is the worst form of emotional abuse. It’s not you. The addicted person attempts to avoid the emotions that come from taking responsibility and owning the repercussions of their unhealthy and wounding behaviours.
Betrayed partners often report experiencing:
- Avoidance
- Intrusive images
- Withdrawal
- Mood swings
- Panic attacks
- Dissociation
- Confusion
- Hypervigilance
- Denial
- Phobias
- Flashbacks
- Restlessness
- Oversensitivity
- Inability to eat
- Overeating
- Reliving the event
- Anxiety
- Nightmares
- Rage
- Health problems
- Chronic fatigue
- Immune/endocrine system problems
- Insomnia
- Hyperarousal
- Hyperarousal
Source: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How partners can cope and heal by Dr Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
KNOW IT CAN BE A ROLLER COASTER – The emotions from significant partner betrayal are intense. It’s a trauma similar to being in a live battlefield, a violent car accident, or witnessing or being the victim of a violent crime.
You are likely experiencing triggers, physical flashbacks, and feeling that your life and self have been shattered.
Give yourself kindness and patience. Don’t beat yourself up for the sadness, depression, anger, fear, physical effects, and confusion of still feeling love for your partner. You might feel fine one minute and crash the next. That’s common.
Over time, and with recovery efforts, you will experience different phases. These emotions won’t always feel as strong as they do now. Recovery works and you’re worth it.