How to cope with betrayal trauma triggers.
A betrayal trauma trigger stems from past trauma related to discovery or relational harm.
These reminders can lead to overwhelming sadness, anxiety, panic, and even panic attacks or feeling “triggered.” You might also experience flashbacks or unwanted thoughts about the event. A flashback is a vivid, often negative memory that can appear without warning. Even if you recognise you’re experiencing a trigger, you might feel powerless to stop it without the right tools.
Betrayal trauma can bring extreme sadness, fear, and other symptoms that, if left untreated, can develop into PTSD. This is a function of the brain – trauma is activated and stored in the amygdala, the part of the brain that feels extreme emotions like fear, panic, sadness, anxiety, distress, and hopelessness. The amygdala cannot process time or sequencing, which is why when you’re triggered, it feels like it will always be this way, or that you will never be free of these feelings. Your brain is lying to you!
Triggers are caused by what happened to us, and it can feel like we have no control over our current situation, feelings, and body. For example, you may find yourself triggered driving past the area where you know he acted out. This is because the amygdala—the part of the brain where the trauma is stored—becomes overstimulated when you are triggered and will not allow you to access your prefrontal cortex, the logical part of your brain.
When triggered, we need to draw energy away from the amygdala and into the prefrontal cortex. There are ways we can train our brain and body to put the logical, safety-oriented brain back in charge! With practice, you will learn to be more responsive to triggers, rather than reactive. It’s best to practice the steps when you’re not experiencing a trigger, and your logical brain is more capable of learning.
WHAT YOU CAN DO:
- STOP: You must stop your actions to focus on your needs and self-care.
- BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY: Feel your belly move in and out. DO NOT hold your breath. Your amygdala is overstimulated and thinks it’s in danger, sending “red alert” signals to the rest of your body. Remind yourself that you are safe, and breathing slowly will calm the amygdala and send signals back to the rest of your nervous system that there is no danger allowing it to move back to a calm state.
- SAY TO YOURSELF: “I’ve been triggered”.
- TELL YOURSELF: That it’s OK to feel your current feelings. You are not to blame for your feelings because you did not ask to be betrayed.
- GET INTO THE CURRENT MOMENT: Triggers take us back to the part of our brain that is incapable of sequencing or understanding time (the amygdala). Remind yourself by saying: “His behaviour that hurt me in the past, isn’t happening in this moment”.
- REMIND YOURSELF OUT LOUD THAT YOU ARE SAFE: Your brain needs to hear you say this to yourself. It’s more powerful when you listen to yourself say it, rather than when someone else says it. For example: “I feel scared, but right now in this moment, I am safe”.
- DO SIMPLE GROUNDING EXERCISES: Grounding exercises force the prefrontal cortex to do more work, taking energy away from the amygdala. A simple grounding exercise you can do anywhere is the Five Senses Grounding Technique (link below).
- MAKE A TRIGGER TOOLKIT: Have something fragrant to smell, strong mints or gum to taste, a crystal or a fidget toy to feel, calming music on a special playlist to hear and pictures of your dog or cat or something you enjoy looking at.
- MOVE TO A QUIET AND CALM PLACE: If you are driving, pull over and park in a safe place. If you’re in public, go outside or to the restroom. If you’re home, find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself – wrap yourself in a soft blanket, hold your pet or lie down on a yoga mat.
- CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON YOUR BODY: Gently ask your body to relax as tightened muscles send unnecessary danger signals to the brain.
- ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ALL THE EMOTIONS: Triggers are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt and abandonment and to validate and soothe the old experiences of helplessness and hopelessness. Holding space for these emotions can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
- CALL A SAFE FRIEND: Ideally one you have met at your betrayal trauma recovery group and seek support. Have alone time when needed, but don’t let shame isolate you.
- IDENTIFY WHAT LEADS TO TRIGGERS: When you can, plan to avoid unsafe people, places, activities and certain mental processes. Set and enforce boundaries around these things to help you feel safe and able to respond.
- USE A TRIGGER LOG: This helps you identify why you’re experiencing the trigger. The more you pay attention to these details, the more you can eliminate them, avoid them, or plan alternatives.
- KEEP WORKING ON THESE TOOLS: Even if they don’t seem very effective initially, keep going as the outcome is cumulative. Doing something different creates new healthy neural pathways in your brain. Over time, you’ll feel more confident and capable; eventually, the trigger’s strength will weaken. You’ll still feel the emotions, but they won’t have the same power over your mind and body.
- WHEN YOUR TRIGGER HAS PASSED: Acknowledge that you have used your tools to move through it and allow yourself a sense of accomplishment for working through it. As you use these tools, you’ll feel less anxiety about potential future triggers and feel more empowered to master your recovery.
Click here for the five senses grounding exercise instructions
REMEMBER TO SLOW DOWN, BREATHE, FIND OR AFFIRM YOUR PHYSICAL SAFETY IN THE CURRENT MOMENT AND GROUND YOURSELF